The Jackie Kennedy wannabe bought something at my stand today!
I cast a glance above my laptop to see the horribly flipped hairdo a foot away from me. I could see her gray roots from where she was standing (I never noticed that before) and the crows feet was jabbing at my eyes.
She was sporting these brown flood pants and this cream colored jacket with matching-shade brown flowers all over it. The material was thick but not insulated. The trying-to-be-posh, off-white clutch wasn't helping.
When she spoke, it was how I had always imagined. Her mouth moves very oddly and she pronounced words with an "AR" sound slowly. It left a lasting impression on the ears. She asked for stationary cards on October 15th at 10:16am.
I should name this lady. Use her as a novel figure. So far, I've simply been referring to her as The Jackie Kennedy Wannabe. I'll have to come back to that.
I mentioned being able to name all my fashion pet peeves.
Here are some of my favorite looks to hate:
10.) Northface Jackets. They don't keep you warm. They are plain and ugly. They don't flatter any body type. They are expensive. In-depth explanation for why this has landed a spot on the list shouldn't be required for anybody with working eyes and a shred of taste.
Ok, so this guy is kind of cool, but that still doesn't make up for the awful threads.
9.) Bad Plastic Surgery. Nose jobs are a commonplace where I went to high school, and I never thought those surgeries looked according to Hoyle. They just always looked inaccurate and kind of creepy and slimy. Their noses would go from being a bumpy snout to being delicate ski jump noses. This plastic must stop (but not those amazing, out of proportion boob jobs-done best by Pamela Anderson and Daisy De La Hoya;).
The procedure is uneconomical (the average cost for rhinoplasty in America is 4,277$. http://www.yourplasticsurgeryguide.com/rhinoplasty/howperformed.htm) and the surgical process, heeling and aftermath are as unappealing as your grandmother in a porno. Rhinoplasty is the most common cosmetic/plastic surgery among the under 19 population. Breast reduction, correction of breast asymmetry, treatment of gynecomastia (basically, ridding a guy of manboobs), chin augmentation and liposuction take places 2#-5#.
8.)Fake Smiling. The real thing gleams a brilliant light. The fake ones make your face appear tight and nervous. That's not so ducky. Genuine happiness is beautiful.
Well, besides the excessive use of cheap hair gel.......
7.) Polo Shirts. They make boobs look saggy. The collars are strangely placed and the tacky alligator label doesn't help. Unless there is a paint stain or a couple rips here and there (or it's attire for work and/or sleeping), you look like a tool (especially with the layering and collar popping-makes me shutter).
The breasts appear to be sagging. The label should at least be a kitty if it must exist.
6.) Hollister/Abercrombie/American Eagle. I find it very problematic when a tee shirt costs an arm and a leg and THEN it smells like a gay whore house. In order to find this shirt you would need to get past the plastic potted plants of horror and than obtain night vision to navigate (the mall can't pay to light up these stores- perhaps they think a rayless, awful-smelling room is better than seeing the merchandise?)
Nope, every Hollister looks the same.
5.) Crocs Footwear. I don't even consider them shoes. I love the environment, but not when a recycled product comes out in such a tasteless form. They come in all colors and sizes, but only if you want to pay the price. These babies run at a start price of 30$, are of poor quality and are ugly (Thanks Maddox;). People who sport this unworthy foot gear rant and rave about the comfort these shoes bring. Rejection and a white-trash vibe is what they bring.
No excuse.....
4.) Bad Prom Dresses. Pictures are required asap for a visual aid. Bad patterns (for me to consider a pattern "bad" calls for a round of applause), lines on the shoulders (from hours frying in tanning beds), unflattering waist lines, that birthday-ribbon-ish curly hair, dingy shoes and overdosed make-up put this...whole event really, high on the list.
Faces must be concealed, for these are citizens of Cleveland. The chick on the left wasn't actually that crummy of a human, but her tan lines are bringing me down. I always had this feeling that she possessed some neat talent (like dress-sewing, Boston Cream Pie baking or being able to play D&D) but she couldn't share it for some reason. The chick on the right had a face that was strictly from hunger, a malnourished body and a liverish personality to match. I applaud her for finding the ugliest dress pattern, the ugliest dress length and the ugliest dress cut in the city though.
3.) Spray Tanning. It breaks my heart. Natural skin is lovely. Pale skin reminds me of the moon. Why wrinkle and destroy your skin to resemble a carrot? Oh, and have gross, unnatural tanning lines?
Well-known pale beauties are Dita Von Teese, Liv Tyler, Amy Lee (of band, Evanescence) and Nichole Kidman.
2.) Bad Tattoos. I love tattoos. Men and women alike with excellent ink are a fantastic turn on. What if the ink is of poor quality, inappropriately placed or just a bad design? It's stuck to you forever and nothing can patch that up.
^What "regret" looks like.
^Ink done right. This is James Suicide. I, myself have a little ink on my left foot. It's a shamrock to represent my Irish heritage and that I have luck on my side. I plan on adding more throughout my life.
1.) Dogs in Purses. Dogs are mutts, but they still don't deserve to be treated like accessories. I want to free them from the stamped Coach purses. It's utmost degrading to the animal (and illuminates the stupidity of the woman).
Animal Cruelty.
I LOVE THIS MAN: http://www.thebestpageintheuniverse.net/c.cgi?u=fashion
"Constructive criticism is about finding something good and positive to soften the blow to the real critique of what really went on"-Paula Abdul
-M.Junk
No comments:
Post a Comment